An episode that could not be missed here in my open diary, in fact if I did not talk about this it would be like omitting something very mine, very personal, something that is also me. Everyone who has been through something like this knows that it is like being in a black, dark or about to go dark tunnel. My biggest fear that the light will go out.
You know how many times I have felt that the light is going to go out. It is something that if you have not lived you will not fully understand. I really still can't know what generates it, what makes me put myself in that state. It can be a nice morning on the way to work, stress-free and nothing there explodes the terrible panic. I can be happy, I can be anguished or I can be asleep and there my silent enemy appears. And although it is clear to me that only I can help myself, it is really impossible to sense when and what will trigger my anxiety attacks.
I've always been nervous, but this came up formally when I was about to find out that I had thyroid cancer. My hands are shaking, my breath shakes, my hands get cold and I feel like I'm dizzy with the urge to yell at the car next to me, I feel like crying and telling it that I can't drive and if I can drive the car.
It is absurd what I feel, what my body feels. When is the attack over? Well, when I speak with someone I trust or not, in reality whoever answers the phone will be my agent of tranquility at that moment ... also when I tell who I call "my little pills" (how do I call them) what is happening to me. I greet them and in the middle of their words that for me are like music, I tell them “I don't feel good, here I am in the same ... my panic attacks. It is worth noting that when I get my panic attacks, it is as if it were not me or at least the Carolina that everyone knows disappears, at that moment that can happen either in an airplane than in a room of a store with white light or next to an airport a helpless and fragile girl appears.
I could tell you how many times I have stopped in an emergency room thinking that I was going to die, but better not ... it is so exhausting because the diagnosis on all occasions was that as a result of the panic attack I was hyperventilating. I remember a Marc Anthony concert, I was sitting with some friends in the fourth or sixth row on the American Airlines, and when I turned back I felt that sea of people was coming on me, it was a drowning sensation that my friend made it diminish with some sugar and his specific words of protection, but at the same time from someone who wants me to heal from all this.
As I tell you, I have been driving to work and I have been about to return home, so much so that on more than one occasion I did it and asked for a ride. On a flight to Venezuela years ago I told a stranger to take care of my daughter because I was feeling bad. Things have happened to me regarding these episodes that I don't know which to skip or if they all fit here.
I think the most valuable thing about this is that while I continue to live with this and look for the causes, I do not stop praying for God to help me is this path. Personal situations also lead me to these states of anxiety, only when I have experienced them due to an argument with a loved one, I would like to see or feel something that tells me what is wrong with me.
And believe it or not, I have read so much about this topic that, as a friend says, sometimes so much information is even worse. I have come to think of doing hypnosis, I have come to not want to go out ... so many things. My suggestion for all those who live this is to talk, do not shut up and always be attentive with all open senses. Today I have another therapist and I know that with the help of God I will be able to channel this that chemically emerges in me ... a day without panic is a triumph for me.
